The Struggles and Desire's of my heart!

I originally wrote this as a message to someone and that is why it is written in such an informal fashion. However I feel like it is something that is good to express and get prayer over! Maybe help guide some men out there searching for God! Or maybe help women with finding a Godly man to enter into their life. I’m not sure why I feel so led to post such a personal thing, but I do! So here ya go!

I haven't talked about this in so long with anyone.... I'm meant to be someones husband, I know this, it's been a deep desire of my heart forever..... Sometimes it hurts so much to think about all the girls I've taken out on dates and talked to and been honest and open with, they always ditch me. I've always felt so rejected because of that. Everything always goes so well for a few months, and then they just stop... One thing that I've learned is that fights are stupid and ppl say stuff they always regret and so if a fight is about to start I leave or ask them to leave and then the next day I apologize and act like nothing happened. Life is too short to get angry! I always bring up the subject of whatever we were fighting about though, but I do it in a civilized way and try to discuss it, not fight about it. They hate that.. Why would you want to fight someone and then be upset with yourself for saying something stupid that you know you will regret? It doesn't make sense to me?! I don't crowd anyone either and I don't care what you do when you’re not with me as long as you’re not with some other dude or whatever, you still have YOUR own life and I have mine. But when I am with them I act and treat them like they are the ONLY girl in the world! I love making a girl feel special! Seeing that sweet little smirk that EVERY girl has! Each ones different and each ones perfect in their own way! And each one will melt a man's heart! Those little things, those little quirks are the most amazing little heart stoppers! haha I love how amazingly complex a woman is! How amazing ya'll are is so fabulous! I never regret the hours that I spend talking to a girl, they always just blow my mind! The way you allow emotion to govern your lives rather than logic like a man (not always, just tends too)! Many people call that a flaw, I say it's a blessing in disguise! I love how emotional a woman can be! I know that sounds weird! But that's what makes ya'll so awfully perfect! lol

I used to be so angry with God for not giving me someone. For not allowing me to find a woman who will love me for me! Who I can love and cherish and make her my queen! I'm no longer angry with God, But I am sad every once in awhile when I think about it. I will never treat or say I will treat my bride like a princess! A princess is under the rule of the king and is the daughter of the king, she does get treated amazingly, I mean she is the princess. I will always call and treat her as my Queen! A Queen is CHOSEN to help rule! And is NOT under the King but rather his help to rule over his kingdom! It takes a mighty and powerful woman for a man to look at and then choose to take over and help him rule! When I look for a woman, I look for a strong powerful woman who can easily take care of herself and her family just like the proverbs 31 woman! A woman I know that will raise our children with respect and honor! God forbid if anything ever happened to me after I get married, but I want to know that my wife will be strong for my children! I want to know that when she remarries that she will remarry a God fearing man, a man who will take care of my family as if it was his own! I know that I'm not ready for a wife or for a family right now and I've learned a lot of patience recently concerning this and I'm happy with being single for the first time in a long time. I know that my wait for my bride will be well worth it! I know she will be the most spectacular person I've ever met and ever laid my eyes upon! I know that while I'm sweeping her off her feet she will sweep me off mine as well! You know I'm not looking forward to the physical aspect of my relationship the most, it's the fact that I will daily be able to sit there and pray with with my wife, that we will daily be able to worship our God together in harmony, as one! That has always brought so much joy to my heart thinking about it. Every girl that has come into my life as a romantic interest has sorda steered me away from God. I would try to pray with them and they always would be like "are you serious. Thats what you want to do right now? You really want to read the Bible with me?" That should have always told me, hey back off! This is NOT the one! Leave her alone! But I was yearning for that relationship so bad I dismissed it, over looked it. I want to be so in love with my wife and allow our love to push us into a higher knowledge of God! That we are constantly pushing each other into a deeper relationship with God! Him being the center and basis of our relationship! There's 2 things I can talk about for hours... That's God (faith, Jesus, the Bible, etc.) and Women! haha I’m sure you can’t tell though…

I'm sitting here, really searching myself and my life, listening to Kari Jobe worship on Pandora radio and the presence of God is so strong right now! My God is so awesome! I love how he meets me where I am! His grace is so amazing! His forgiveness overwhelms me! His love for me, it's awe inspiring! I have so many things that I have to work on. I may seem like a good person but I'm really not.... There are things the Devil has just fought me over so much over my life! Over and over again, I just became worn down! I lost my fight! I lost my drive for the things of God. I let the Devil win on so many levels...  You know God has blessed me with the ability to speak, not only speak but speak well when the time comes. He has placed me in front of people numerous times, over and over again. I have squandered the gifts God has given me! My name means "Strong man of God, messenger of God, Mouthpiece, Exalted one, Strong or high mountain" That's the meanings of my first and middle names. But I mean God has obviously called me to something higher than what I'm currently doing! My parents know it, I know it, some of my friends know it. I've had random people tell me I was going somewhere with my life! I've had random people tell me that God has a powerful calling on my life! And when I say random, I mean people in Wal-Mart random. I've had people prophesy over me saying that I was going to be in front of millions of people and that people would come to me for help, for guidance, for wisdom! I mean, that scares me to death! I've been running for so long! I don't want to screw up.... I don't want to fail.... I can't believe I wrote this much... God help me please! Help me get out of this fear! Walk me through the unforgiveness that is holding me back! Help me give everything to you! Help me walk blindly, fully trusting you with my life! Teach me your ways and your wisdom! Give me a longing a yearning for you! You are my God! You are my king and I will forever serve you!

Accountability

Accountability is such a powerful thing. God created it to help us stay on course with different things, but mainly to make sure our walk with him is going in the right direction. Cain was not holding himself accountable, God had to step in and bring accountability to him about his brother Abel. Should we be our brothers keeper? Should we be held responsible for the spiritual walk of our brothers and sister in Christ? I believe so! It's not our complete responsibility to make sure they are walking down the right, the path God has for them, we can't force anyone to do anything! But we can be the support they need in their daily walk! If you are continually there offering support, offering encourage and holding them accountable, it will be much less likely that our brothers and sisters will stumble and fall! God is not a respecter of men. He does not care if you are a business man, or a teacher, or even a pastor! Everyone has their own specific gifts and we need to walk in them, but he wants us to be that accountability to our friends and family! He wants us to encourage the people around us even if they just faltered, even if they don't know what to do, even when the burdens of the world have become to much for them! Encourage them to go before God! To pray and seek his face! To read his word! I'm going to finish this up with asking a few questions.

When was the last time you read your Bible? When was the last time you encouraged someone to read their Bible? When was the last time you prayed? When was the last time you prayed with someone else? When was the last time you encouraged someone to pray? When was the last time you were held accountable by a friend or a family member? When was the last time you helped hold someone accountable? When was the last time you were encouraged in your walk with God? When was the last time you encouraged someone else in their walk with God? And finally when was the last time you put someone else's needs before your own?

Questions

I'm not going to sit and talk forever on this blog taking up your time, I'm just going to ask you a few simple questions. Questions that have really been laying heavy on my mind lately. Hopefully each of you that read this will be encouraged to change, to live better, to go after you dreams, goals and aspirations! But what are these simple questions?

1. Are YOU living YOUR life to the BEST of YOUR ability?

2. Are YOU happy with who YOU are becoming?

3. Are YOU doing YOUR very best?

4. Are you "satisfied"with the life YOU'RE living?

5. Are YOU who YOU think YOU are?

If you don't know the answer to some of the questions, maybe can't answer these questions the way you want to, then hopefully this will give you the motivation to change! The motivation to help yourself discover and search and find the answers to these questions! I'm on my search! My hunt! I want to know! I need to know!

Yearning for the Father

Sometimes I sit and wonder why God went through all this trouble for us?! Sending his son to die for our sins, for the sins I've committed and for the sins I know I'm going to commit. I pray and I ask God for forgiveness and to help me, to give me wisdom, bless me with humbleness, to show me my short comings so that I may work on them and be a better person. But it seems like I always disappoint myself. Why do I always fall short? Why can I never get out of the rut I'm stuck in? I wish God could give me the easy button off of the Staples commercials! It would be so nice. All my problems just go away, all the things I doubt myself over, the lack of faith I have. Maybe it's just that I don't surround myself with the things of God like I should? That I don't pray and read the word enough? Sometimes I feel so lost and confused that I don't even know the next step I should take! I wish I had faith, every time I go looking for it it's nowhere to be found! It's disappeared, it's left me forsaken and lost. Maybe I'm so weak the Devil just feeds off of my short comings and my lack of faith?! Where is the self confidence that I will so proudly display to the world, but when it comes to looking in the mirror it dissipates when I try to find the substance within. I'm always so afraid of failure and not being able to amount to anything. I don't want my life to be nothing. I could care less if I go down in history books, or that I become world renown for something. I want my name to be known by Christians and by the saints in heaven, by the angels that sing praises to our heavenly Father! I want them to know my name as being a man of God! A man of utmost faith! A man of integrity and honesty! I hate that I go through these bouts where I feel so strongly about this, where I seek God with everything I have and then a few weeks later I lose focus and track of myself. I don't want to lose this driving passion, this burning desire for my father! "As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after you!" I want to be forever yearning for my God and my savior! 

9/11

I know I'm late posting about 9/11. I didn't forget! I remember that day very well even though I was only 12. My mom had let us sleep in that morning and she came in my room freaking out about something, telling me to wake up! I woke up and came out and watched the tv, not just on that day, but for days, weeks, even months later not only about this tragic day in American History, but thinking in my mind "Would this happen again? Would I die? Would my family die?" I didn't completely understand the magnitude of what had just happened in New York, Washington DC and let us not forget the plane that was crashed in a Pennsylvania field! I was only 12. I remember talking to my parents about it trying to figure out what was going on, why this was happening. I remember one time my dad telling me "It's because some people in the world hate Americans because of the way God has blessed us! They can't have it and they would rather kill us and see us suffer than to see us flourish! Because America IS the greatest country in the world!" That made a huge impact on me and to this day I still believe that is true! The men and women who lost their lives that day will never be forgotten! The police, firefighters, rescue workers and emergency workers who lost their lives on this day 11yrs ago and days following will never be forgotten! The troops who have lost their lives in direct resonse to this attack will never be forgotten! There are men, women and children in this group that passed away. There are men without their wives, without their children, without their brothers or sisters because of this day! There are women without their husband, without their children and without their brothers and sisters because of this day! Their are children without there dad or their mom or both, without their brothers or their sisters because of this day. I love my country and today I feel that our freedoms are being attacked again but domestically this time. We need to rise up and become the nation we should be! And the Nation we once were MANY MANY YEARS ago! Let us never forget this day!