Hey everyone,
I know it's been a number of years since my last blog, I've really been slacking. But I'm back! Hopefully I'll be able to stick to it this time around! 😂
I've been struggling with myself for a couple of months about vulnerability, self protection, not feeling worthy, not feeling like the person I should be, self worth issues, failure, trusting in my father to make everything work together for his glory & my good, but this list could go on for a long time, the main purpose is about being worthy, knowing your blessing, fighting for what God has said and finding your purpose, about getting past what you see and entering into his perspective.
I didn't want to write this blog, because I can't even understand what I'm writing fully. I don't believe God can use me right now because I'm stuck. Like Peter getting out of the boat and having faith while he focused on Jesus! The second he turned his gaze away and looked at his situation, realizing what he was doing wasn't possible, he saw the water surrounding him and fear gripped him and he began to sink! I've been sinking, instead of focusing on Jesus, I've been focused on everything around me, everything surrounding me, woe is me, my circumstances have overwhelmed me! YET, rather than running to the pillar that will never fall or shatter, never fail me, I've closed myself off, I ran from Jesus, I ran from the pain of pushing into him to find my strength, my hope, my tenacity, I saw myself the way I always have, inadequate, weak, sick, in pain, a failure. How could God love me? How could he choose me? Why would he ask me to write something when I'm trying to run from him?
All of us, if we had the choice, would run from pain, we would protect ourselves. Vulnerability, it's an easy word to say, but a word that's rarely put into action. Abba has been teaching me that vulnerability is your strength, only the strongest people, who are confident in themselves and confident in what God is doing, will show themselves to be vulnerable. It takes a strong person to deal with the pain of being vulnerable, because it always brings pain.
So here we are. I'm writing a blog, that I feel out of place writing, that I feel unworthy of writing, and I feel completely abondoned, his silence is deafening, but his presence brings healing.
Ever since I moved to Atlanta, Georgia, God has challenged me. He's challenged me to be vulnerable, to have faith even in the hardest times. Last year in December I had just finished working in Louisiana for the Leadership Institute, the chapter in my life where I felt like things were finally going to run smoothly, that my life was starting to rise from the ashes I've watched build up around me since I was medically discharged from the Air Force, that feeling of utter failure, that I simply wasn't good enough, that I wasn't going to succeed. But everything changed the summer of 2016. I stopped feeling bad for myself over getting sick, of being in pain, of dealing with a mountain of health issues that could end up being a book for a medical review journal. I was done feeling depressed and I walked in faith that I was better, that I was going to move forward even if it killed me! So I applied for a job with The Leadership Institute, that I didn't feel qualified for, but it was the best decision I could have made for myself. The 2016 fall semester flew by! It went great and I had a blast working with some amazing people throughout the semester, impacting their lives just as much as they impacted mine. 3 of the people I was able to meet were young ladies who work for a fantastic organization called Turning Point USA, I was offered a job with them for the spring semester of 2017 with a possibility of it becoming a permenant position. I was ecstatic! I had the option of a couple states and locations, but Atlanta was not one of those options, which is where I felt God was leading me. When he said I want you in Atlanta, he also told me I needed to stay there through the pain, through the struggle, that he knew it would be painful, and hard, and I would want to leave and give up, which seemed weird to me, but now I understand the admonition the Lord was giving me at that time. The day after I decided on Houston, Texas, I received an email and contract for Atlanta! The person who was suppose to take it had to back out due to some personal things.
So in January I went to Chicago for training and went off into the concrete jungle that is Atlanta! I met some pretty spectacular people, but had many issues throughout the semester that was out of my control, so I didn't end up with the permenant position. I was heart broken, but I knew God told me to stay! He has this taken care of. So fast forward 2 months and I get this job I begged God for. I knew I could do it and it paid well, but it wasn't the job God wanted me to have. I was working 60+hrs a week, I was under appreciated and worked to death. Because of that stress, I ended up getting extremely sick. I had an ulcerative colitis flair up, which still hasn't cleared up fully. During that period of being sick, I ended up getting fired, which stressed me out even more.
So while all this was going on, of me trying to find a job & starting said job, I was also pursuing a beautiful, godly woman. God told me to do all these different things for her. Everything was great! But in the end she broke up with me, leaving me with a million questions for God, a resentment for him and what he's been asking of me. Why do you want to me to pursue someone who doesn't want to be with me? Why are you asking me to stay? The anger I have right now towards God is real. The feeling of abandonment is real. The feeling of being lost and stuck and not worthy of his love, is all real. The pain is real. The heart ache is real. The feeling of not being enough is real. But now he's asking me to write, to tell the world what I'm feeling, to minister to others when I don't even have the words to speak to you, or the wisdom to help myself, but he still brought me to Hebrews 13:20-21
"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead, our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, who equips you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be all the glory for ever and ever. Amen.”
Regardless of what YOU see, God sees his son. He sees the sacrifice Jesus made for you. He calls those that are unqualified, that are inadequate, so his glory can be shown.
I am not the man I see. I am not a failure. I am not inadequate. I am not what I see, because of the work he did, has already been done! The sacrifice has been made! I'm seated with my father in heavenly places as we speak! If we could just stop looking through our own eyes to see what God is asking us to do, and see ourselves through his eyes, with his perspective, doing the things he asked us to do would be radically changed, we would set the world a blaze with his presence! Our words would have power, so much more power! Because you are loved! You are chosen! You are his!
Tonight God brought me to the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 starting in verse 11. But he didn't focus on the son who wasted his inheritance, he brought up the older son who felt unloved because his father never threw him a party even though he worked in the fields daily with the servants. He missed the point of being in the presence of his father and the authority and blessings that comes with dwelling in his presence. He put his father in a box, and did what HE believed would please his father, he felt like he had to work for his affection, for his blessings, for his love, he failed to realize, that his father's love was unconditional, it was always there, whether he worked in the field or stayed home. That's where I am. "But God! I've done everything you've asked of me! Ive stayed by your side! I've worked in the field! I've been here, but where have you been?! Where was my party! Where was my blessing! I'm angry because I've worked and worked for this, but nothing has changed! Why won't you bless me?" When the older son finally came back from the field hearing the sounds of music and a party going on, he told a servant to go fetch his father, he wouldn't even enter the house! I think he didn't go in because he felt unworthy in that moment, he was angry, "I must have done something wrong! Why was I not invited? Did I fail my father because he's never done this for me." When the father comes out and is confronted by his son, the father tells him, "everything that is mine, is yours! You could have thrown a party, you could have killed a fatted calf, you had my authority, but you worked as a servant, not as my son. You saw yourself through your perspective, instead of mine. You could've spoke to me, spent time with me, learned who I am, but instead you were in the field with my servants, slaving away." I'm the oldest son. I'm complaining about not being blessed, when my blessings are here, but I don't feel worthy enough to walk in any thing the Lord has blessed me with, I don't feel adequate enough to do what he's asked. I haven't pressed in, I haven't prepared myself, so I would be able to see clearly, instead of walking around in this deep fog.
If you are feeling this way, know that you are loved! You are adequate! You are a child of God! You don't have to work for his love! We love him because he first loved us, even in those moments we never deserved it. Know you are not alone! There's others who feel the same way you do. Jesus begged his father 2 separate times in the Garden of Gethsemane to allow his cup of suffering to pass from him. He was grieving, he didn't want to be alone but the disciples kept falling asleep, he begged his papa in his weakness, in his fear, in his depression, in his mourning, to not do what he was being asked to do. How many times have you been there, but with some thing else, where you feel overwhelmed by what God is asking of you, where you are overcome by fear, by anxiety, by grief, by depression? Has God asked you to sacrifice something in your life that you simply don't feel capable of sacrificing? That seems and feels completely overwhelming?
Don't misunderstand whats happening in those moments, God is not testing you! He does not want to see you in pain, he did not put you into this position, sometimes it was our own decisions that caused these consequences, sometimes things just happen in life, because life is unfair, I don't believe God causes our suffering but sometimes he allows it to happen. Like when Satan asked God to ALLOW him to torture Job to see if he would turn away from God, God didn't cause anything to happen to Job, but he did allow it to happen. He wants these situations to draw you deeper and closer to him, for you to choose him, even when everything seems to be going wrong. He uses it as the refining fire. So in these trying times, these moments where you feel like you are going to break, that you can't keep going, where you can't handle the pressure anymore, it's an opportunity for you to allow your loving father to be there with you! It's so you can dig deeper, and cling to him, he will NEVER leave you or forsake you, he's always willing to welcome you into his presence regardless of what's happening, we just have to let go and trust him. In these moments of brokenness, cling to him. You have nowhere else to go, and he will always comfort you. You know God is working behind the scenes, to make all of this work together for your good, regardless of what you see or how it feels! A glow stick is nothing until it's been broken, it must be broke before it fulfills it's purpose, which is to shine. So in these moments of brokenness find your purpose, fulfill your purpose, begin to shine, when you are at rock bottom, allow God to break you of the things holding you back from shining, from living a life that is full of faith! Full of love! Full of Jesus!
Much Love,
Gabriel Sutton
