So today I'm sitting here looking at my life... The past, the present and the future. It's a little bit overwhelming! I feel such an emptiness in my heart, my life. I've done nothing and left nothing behind so far, I don't want my life to mean nothing, I don't want my life to be equivalent to nothing but a fleeting vapor as spoken of in James 4. I'll be sitting watching television or listening to music, not doing anything special and God will randomly humble me to the point of tears! I literally feel like a piece of clay and God is reaching into the very depths of my soul changing things! I feel so incomplete and undone right now!
I like to try to plan things to a certain extent, however always have that opportunity for change and go by the seat of your pants! Right now I can't do anything! I don't even like making plans day by day because I feel like it's not my place and I haven't made good decisions when it comes to plans anyways! For a month God has brought me to tears! Everyday I have cried and poured my heart out to God asking "WHAT?" "WHY?" and every time there is a silence it seems in the entire area I'm at, but no response! I feel God is keeping things from me because he wants me to walk by a faith I've never used! Walking blindly! That's always been one of my biggest fears is losing my sight and also my ability to walk! It's a fear that grips me! I don't think it's a coincidence that it would also spill over into my spiritual life! God wants me to learn from this, but I don't know how to let go? I'm too scared to let go! I've given up, but not let go! Why is letting go so difficult?!
My Past is FULL of STUPID decisions! Decisions I have repeated many times, some I have learned from but way to many have been repeated! I don't want to repeat the same mistakes anymore! I want to walk on an unbeaten path of righteousness for the glory of God and not only that but just to benefit from living a good life!!! To know I've actually helped people! To know I left something for future generations!
I look at my life in the current state that it's in and I can honestly say I could see myself being single for the rest of my life... Is this my desire? NO! NEVER! OF COURSE NOT! But I can't bring someone into the broken life I have and expect to be the support, shelter the stability for them! I am SO broken myself how could I EVER expect to be able to help a beautiful young woman who deserves the very best (because ALL young women do) be the person she should be? And help her through life? Be there for her? In the ups and downs? I can't direct my own life, how could I possibly expect to help direct TWO lives?! Of course through all of this it should be mutual, 100% from both the man and woman, but I wouldn't be able to give 10% right now much less 100%! God has an amazingly simple way of making me feel broken, I don't even know how to put it but sure enough here I am writing once again on this blog.
You know, thinking about it, I don't even know who I am anymore! WOW! That's a hard pill to swallow right there! Actually admitting you don't know who you are! It's also a real scary thought! I honestly don't know who I am? I don't even know who I want to be? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore? I'm like a living zombie! How man people are like me though? Gosh, maybe that's an even scarier thought?! I didn't plan on coming on here and writing all of this stuff, it just seems to keep coming right now. But seriously a living zombie. A mindless individual who is going through the ritualistic things of life because that's what they are supposed to do! Right now it brings to mind the Dr. Pepper commercial where they tear off the jackets and they have an individualistic t-shirt on underneath the jacket that EVERYONE had on. Maybe too many people are actually doing that. Maybe it's even more than we realize! How many people are to afraid to break that? I know right now, I'm not! But I have an issue... I don't don't know how too? I've lost my ability to think for myself. I've been brainwashed by the psycho-social world we are in, where it's fine to be this "thing" that society has become! But seriously, how can we break this mold? I want to know! I want to begin to think for myself again! I want to think my own thoughts and breath my own breathe! Maybe this is me beginning to come out of the slumber I've been in for years, years of my life wasted, years of my life I can never get back! I feel like I've taken a breath of fresh air! I actually almost deleted that last sentence because I'm so afraid I'm not going to wake up from this zombie like sleep! I hope and pray this is the beginning! That this month has been the "waking" process! I guess all we can do is wait and see, cliche I know!
