Yearning for the Father

Sometimes I sit and wonder why God went through all this trouble for us?! Sending his son to die for our sins, for the sins I've committed and for the sins I know I'm going to commit. I pray and I ask God for forgiveness and to help me, to give me wisdom, bless me with humbleness, to show me my short comings so that I may work on them and be a better person. But it seems like I always disappoint myself. Why do I always fall short? Why can I never get out of the rut I'm stuck in? I wish God could give me the easy button off of the Staples commercials! It would be so nice. All my problems just go away, all the things I doubt myself over, the lack of faith I have. Maybe it's just that I don't surround myself with the things of God like I should? That I don't pray and read the word enough? Sometimes I feel so lost and confused that I don't even know the next step I should take! I wish I had faith, every time I go looking for it it's nowhere to be found! It's disappeared, it's left me forsaken and lost. Maybe I'm so weak the Devil just feeds off of my short comings and my lack of faith?! Where is the self confidence that I will so proudly display to the world, but when it comes to looking in the mirror it dissipates when I try to find the substance within. I'm always so afraid of failure and not being able to amount to anything. I don't want my life to be nothing. I could care less if I go down in history books, or that I become world renown for something. I want my name to be known by Christians and by the saints in heaven, by the angels that sing praises to our heavenly Father! I want them to know my name as being a man of God! A man of utmost faith! A man of integrity and honesty! I hate that I go through these bouts where I feel so strongly about this, where I seek God with everything I have and then a few weeks later I lose focus and track of myself. I don't want to lose this driving passion, this burning desire for my father! "As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after you!" I want to be forever yearning for my God and my savior!