9/11

I know I'm late posting about 9/11. I didn't forget! I remember that day very well even though I was only 12. My mom had let us sleep in that morning and she came in my room freaking out about something, telling me to wake up! I woke up and came out and watched the tv, not just on that day, but for days, weeks, even months later not only about this tragic day in American History, but thinking in my mind "Would this happen again? Would I die? Would my family die?" I didn't completely understand the magnitude of what had just happened in New York, Washington DC and let us not forget the plane that was crashed in a Pennsylvania field! I was only 12. I remember talking to my parents about it trying to figure out what was going on, why this was happening. I remember one time my dad telling me "It's because some people in the world hate Americans because of the way God has blessed us! They can't have it and they would rather kill us and see us suffer than to see us flourish! Because America IS the greatest country in the world!" That made a huge impact on me and to this day I still believe that is true! The men and women who lost their lives that day will never be forgotten! The police, firefighters, rescue workers and emergency workers who lost their lives on this day 11yrs ago and days following will never be forgotten! The troops who have lost their lives in direct resonse to this attack will never be forgotten! There are men, women and children in this group that passed away. There are men without their wives, without their children, without their brothers or sisters because of this day! There are women without their husband, without their children and without their brothers and sisters because of this day! Their are children without there dad or their mom or both, without their brothers or their sisters because of this day. I love my country and today I feel that our freedoms are being attacked again but domestically this time. We need to rise up and become the nation we should be! And the Nation we once were MANY MANY YEARS ago! Let us never forget this day!

Past, Present, Future

           So today I'm sitting here looking at my life... The past, the present and the future. It's a little bit overwhelming! I feel such an emptiness in my heart, my life. I've done nothing and left nothing behind so far, I don't want my life to mean nothing, I don't want my life to be equivalent to nothing but a fleeting vapor as spoken of in James 4. I'll be sitting watching television or listening to music, not doing anything special and God will randomly humble me to the point of tears! I literally feel like a piece of clay and God is reaching into the very depths of my soul changing things! I feel so incomplete and undone right now!


          I like to try to plan things to a certain extent, however always have that opportunity for change and go by the seat of your pants! Right now I can't do anything! I don't even like making plans day by day because I feel like it's not my place and I haven't made good decisions when it comes to plans anyways! For a month God has brought me to tears! Everyday I have cried and poured my heart out to God asking "WHAT?" "WHY?" and every time there is a silence it seems in the entire area I'm at, but no response! I feel God is keeping things from me because he wants me to walk by a faith I've never used! Walking blindly! That's always been one of my biggest fears is losing my sight and also my ability to walk! It's a fear that grips me! I don't think it's a coincidence that it would also spill over into my spiritual life! God wants me to learn from this, but I don't know how to let go? I'm too scared to let go! I've given up, but not let go! Why is letting go so difficult?! 


        My Past is FULL of STUPID decisions! Decisions I have repeated many times, some I have learned from but way to many have been repeated! I don't want to repeat the same mistakes anymore! I want to walk on an unbeaten path of righteousness for the glory of God and not only that but just to benefit from living a good life!!! To know I've actually helped people! To know I left something for future generations! 


       I look at my life in the current state that it's in and I can honestly say I could see myself being single for the rest of my life... Is this my desire? NO! NEVER! OF COURSE NOT! But I can't bring someone into the broken life I have and expect to be the support, shelter the stability for them! I am SO broken myself how could I EVER expect to be able to help a beautiful young woman who deserves the very best (because ALL young women do) be the person she should be? And help her through life? Be there for her? In the ups and downs? I can't direct my own life, how could I possibly expect to help direct TWO lives?! Of course through all of this it should be mutual, 100% from both the man and woman, but I wouldn't be able to give 10% right now much less 100%! God has an amazingly simple way of making me feel broken, I don't even know how to put it but sure enough here I am writing once again on this blog. 


        You know, thinking about it, I don't even know who I am anymore! WOW! That's a hard pill to swallow right there! Actually admitting you don't know who you are! It's also a real scary thought! I honestly don't know who I am? I don't even know who I want to be? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore? I'm like a living zombie! How man people are like me though? Gosh, maybe that's an even scarier thought?! I didn't plan on coming on here and writing all of this stuff, it just seems to keep coming right now. But seriously a living zombie. A mindless individual who is going through the ritualistic things of life because that's what they are supposed to do! Right now it brings to mind the Dr. Pepper commercial where they tear off the jackets and they have an individualistic t-shirt on underneath the jacket that EVERYONE had on. Maybe too many people are actually doing that. Maybe it's even more than we realize! How many people are to afraid to break that? I know right now, I'm not!  But I have an issue... I don't don't know how too? I've lost my ability to think for myself. I've been brainwashed by the psycho-social world we are in, where it's fine to be this "thing" that society has become! But seriously, how can we break this mold? I want to know! I want to begin to think for myself again! I want to think my own thoughts and breath my own breathe! Maybe this is me beginning to come out of the slumber I've been in for years, years of my life wasted, years of my life I can never get back! I feel like I've taken a breath of fresh air! I actually almost deleted that last sentence because I'm so afraid I'm not going to wake up from this zombie like sleep! I hope and pray this is the beginning! That this month has been the "waking" process! I guess all we can do is wait and see, cliche I know!

Life's decisions

Life's so full of decisions, some good, some bad. I don't believe any of us always think about the consequences of the decisions we make, especially when we may not see the result for years down the road. I'm praying I become more mindful of this simple fact, no matter what decision is made it WILL have a consequence whether it be good or bad! I really wish I could change the last 2 years of my life, especially the last 7 months or so. I've made very rash, very stupid decisions in this time period. I know I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be, but I have claimed to know what I'm doing.... Which I don't! That right there is what has put me in the situation I am in currently! God only knows how long I've ran from him and what he has wanted me to do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have wasted away my life thus far. I'm capable of being so much more if I would just allow God to take over and take control! I've never really listened to my parents in life. If I would have I could be in a much better place. All the dreams I've had for myself have fallen to the wayside because I've been ridiculous in the things I've done, the money I've wasted, the decisions I've made. People tell me I'm too hard on myself, but I'm not, in fact I'm probably not hard enough! I've decided to turn my life around currently, I've given the wheel to God, he is the potter and I'm the clay! Something I've realized lately is it's not becuse of me, it's all because of Jesus, it's not because of me, it's because of who he is! Now it's something I've known but never realized. Realization of something can be a VERY powerful thing! Realizing something means it's become real! It's the same thing as having heard something and having listened to something! If you listen to something you take heed! You have understood that and will act accordingly! I don't know why I've waited this long to start acting on what I've known for a long time?! Maybe it just wasn't my time? Maybe I had to hurt myself so many times and miss out on SO many amazing opportunities that I finally gave up, which I officially did towards the beginning of this year! I no longer cared, I lost a desire and a love for life! I became depressed, which never happens! I became stressed out and if you know me I'm a free spirited person and stress is not something I'm used too! I'm never stressed out! I allowed my health to deteriorate and I became sicker than I've ever been! Now I'm at the point of trying to climb out of the hole I dug for MYSELF! Why did I do this? WHY?? It could have been so much easier for me if I would have done all of this stuff to begin with, actually listen to my parents, do what God asked of me and MANNED UP! I have no idea what it means to be a man! I hope maybe I'm on my way. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this and that it ministered to at least someone out there. God bless you all! 


With Much Love,
Gabriel Sutton