Past, Present, Future

           So today I'm sitting here looking at my life... The past, the present and the future. It's a little bit overwhelming! I feel such an emptiness in my heart, my life. I've done nothing and left nothing behind so far, I don't want my life to mean nothing, I don't want my life to be equivalent to nothing but a fleeting vapor as spoken of in James 4. I'll be sitting watching television or listening to music, not doing anything special and God will randomly humble me to the point of tears! I literally feel like a piece of clay and God is reaching into the very depths of my soul changing things! I feel so incomplete and undone right now!


          I like to try to plan things to a certain extent, however always have that opportunity for change and go by the seat of your pants! Right now I can't do anything! I don't even like making plans day by day because I feel like it's not my place and I haven't made good decisions when it comes to plans anyways! For a month God has brought me to tears! Everyday I have cried and poured my heart out to God asking "WHAT?" "WHY?" and every time there is a silence it seems in the entire area I'm at, but no response! I feel God is keeping things from me because he wants me to walk by a faith I've never used! Walking blindly! That's always been one of my biggest fears is losing my sight and also my ability to walk! It's a fear that grips me! I don't think it's a coincidence that it would also spill over into my spiritual life! God wants me to learn from this, but I don't know how to let go? I'm too scared to let go! I've given up, but not let go! Why is letting go so difficult?! 


        My Past is FULL of STUPID decisions! Decisions I have repeated many times, some I have learned from but way to many have been repeated! I don't want to repeat the same mistakes anymore! I want to walk on an unbeaten path of righteousness for the glory of God and not only that but just to benefit from living a good life!!! To know I've actually helped people! To know I left something for future generations! 


       I look at my life in the current state that it's in and I can honestly say I could see myself being single for the rest of my life... Is this my desire? NO! NEVER! OF COURSE NOT! But I can't bring someone into the broken life I have and expect to be the support, shelter the stability for them! I am SO broken myself how could I EVER expect to be able to help a beautiful young woman who deserves the very best (because ALL young women do) be the person she should be? And help her through life? Be there for her? In the ups and downs? I can't direct my own life, how could I possibly expect to help direct TWO lives?! Of course through all of this it should be mutual, 100% from both the man and woman, but I wouldn't be able to give 10% right now much less 100%! God has an amazingly simple way of making me feel broken, I don't even know how to put it but sure enough here I am writing once again on this blog. 


        You know, thinking about it, I don't even know who I am anymore! WOW! That's a hard pill to swallow right there! Actually admitting you don't know who you are! It's also a real scary thought! I honestly don't know who I am? I don't even know who I want to be? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore? I'm like a living zombie! How man people are like me though? Gosh, maybe that's an even scarier thought?! I didn't plan on coming on here and writing all of this stuff, it just seems to keep coming right now. But seriously a living zombie. A mindless individual who is going through the ritualistic things of life because that's what they are supposed to do! Right now it brings to mind the Dr. Pepper commercial where they tear off the jackets and they have an individualistic t-shirt on underneath the jacket that EVERYONE had on. Maybe too many people are actually doing that. Maybe it's even more than we realize! How many people are to afraid to break that? I know right now, I'm not!  But I have an issue... I don't don't know how too? I've lost my ability to think for myself. I've been brainwashed by the psycho-social world we are in, where it's fine to be this "thing" that society has become! But seriously, how can we break this mold? I want to know! I want to begin to think for myself again! I want to think my own thoughts and breath my own breathe! Maybe this is me beginning to come out of the slumber I've been in for years, years of my life wasted, years of my life I can never get back! I feel like I've taken a breath of fresh air! I actually almost deleted that last sentence because I'm so afraid I'm not going to wake up from this zombie like sleep! I hope and pray this is the beginning! That this month has been the "waking" process! I guess all we can do is wait and see, cliche I know!

Things I try to practice

Life, Life is something fragile, something that has to be taken care of, something that has to be nurtured and cared for, something that cannot be misused or mistreated and something ppl have no idea about!!!! Life wasn't meant to be easy, it is meant to be fun and exciting..... we ourselves can control all of these things by simple principles.......

1: Rely on God.... don't rely on anyone or anything except for God and his son!

2:Don't put expectations on people, because people will always let you down... don't lose faith in them.... but never expect; expectations are things that are rarely met, and will always leave you empty.....

3:Don't live YOUR life to make other people happy, because it ties in with number two, if you live YOUR life trying to make other people happy you will never be able to meet their expectations and therefore you will let them down! If you live life to make yourself happy, in return you will make others happy, because you will be in a better mood, you will be full of energy and full of vigor, instead of stuck in a rut trying to figure out how to make others happy when your unhappy yourself!

4:Put others before yourself!!!! It may sound contradictory to 3 but in reality it plays a huge factor in pushing 3 along..... if you put someone's needs before your own not only have you met their needs, but you have also made yourself happy because you were able to help someone, see you still helped yourself be happy!!!! If your quality of life is high, and YOU can do things for you (such as dancing like your by yourself even though people are watching, or singing for yourself no matter if you suck and people are making fun of you but you don't care because your singing is for you, not them) then you can love others like they need to be! Because your doing things for you, and in return your helping others! Even though they may be Deaf after wards ;)

5:Love like it's going outta style, the more love given out the more love you will receive, now yes some people will not love yo back, but who cares!!!! You got Millions of other people to get love from and you just keep giving it!

6:Don't open yourself up to allow yourself to be hurt..... now yes, romantically you have to give your entire heart to the one you Love and trust them, have FAITH in them to take care of it.... just like they would take care of their own heart full of love!!!!

7:Love others exactly the same you would want others to Love you..... Treat them with the same respect that you would want yourself!

8:Don't let things bother you, don't let things get underneath your skin, like water off a ducks back! Go with the Flow!!!!!

9:Figure out yourself...... learn WHO YOU ARE!!!!! and learn to Love yourself!!!!! I believe to many people have no idea who they are, because they are too caught up in others, i.e. Friends, Family, games, food, alcohol, etc. Whatever it may be that they find comfort in, what they find to do, let it go..... Figure out who you are for you!!!! Not for anyone else, but for you!!!!

I know my Identity is wrapped up in God, and yeah some of these things may be way off, they could be plan wrong...... but right now I believe this is whats gonna get me where I need to be, with God, with others and with myself!!!! Thanks for reading whoever did!!!!! Peace Out!!!!!

With Much Love,

Gabriel Sutton

Life's decisions

Life's so full of decisions, some good, some bad. I don't believe any of us always think about the consequences of the decisions we make, especially when we may not see the result for years down the road. I'm praying I become more mindful of this simple fact, no matter what decision is made it WILL have a consequence whether it be good or bad! I really wish I could change the last 2 years of my life, especially the last 7 months or so. I've made very rash, very stupid decisions in this time period. I know I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be, but I have claimed to know what I'm doing.... Which I don't! That right there is what has put me in the situation I am in currently! God only knows how long I've ran from him and what he has wanted me to do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have wasted away my life thus far. I'm capable of being so much more if I would just allow God to take over and take control! I've never really listened to my parents in life. If I would have I could be in a much better place. All the dreams I've had for myself have fallen to the wayside because I've been ridiculous in the things I've done, the money I've wasted, the decisions I've made. People tell me I'm too hard on myself, but I'm not, in fact I'm probably not hard enough! I've decided to turn my life around currently, I've given the wheel to God, he is the potter and I'm the clay! Something I've realized lately is it's not becuse of me, it's all because of Jesus, it's not because of me, it's because of who he is! Now it's something I've known but never realized. Realization of something can be a VERY powerful thing! Realizing something means it's become real! It's the same thing as having heard something and having listened to something! If you listen to something you take heed! You have understood that and will act accordingly! I don't know why I've waited this long to start acting on what I've known for a long time?! Maybe it just wasn't my time? Maybe I had to hurt myself so many times and miss out on SO many amazing opportunities that I finally gave up, which I officially did towards the beginning of this year! I no longer cared, I lost a desire and a love for life! I became depressed, which never happens! I became stressed out and if you know me I'm a free spirited person and stress is not something I'm used too! I'm never stressed out! I allowed my health to deteriorate and I became sicker than I've ever been! Now I'm at the point of trying to climb out of the hole I dug for MYSELF! Why did I do this? WHY?? It could have been so much easier for me if I would have done all of this stuff to begin with, actually listen to my parents, do what God asked of me and MANNED UP! I have no idea what it means to be a man! I hope maybe I'm on my way. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this and that it ministered to at least someone out there. God bless you all! 


With Much Love,
Gabriel Sutton